Time to go deeper...

It is the common view that man is inherently good. I would probably be inclined to think otherwise. People also share the common view that if they are a good person they will go to heaven when they die. This isn't true either. People are sinful. The Bible says that 'The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is?' (Jeremiah 17v9). Does this sound like this kind of heart would belong to someone that would get into Heaven?

God cannot allow sin or sinful people into Heaven as it is where He dwells and it is therefore holy. No amount of good you do will blot out the wickedness that dwells in your heart... So you might think that wicked is a strong word-it couldn't possibly be used to describe someone like you (or me). And to our human way of thinking, you are probably right...but isn't what God thinks of the matter far more important? And true?

How many lies do you have to tell to be a liar? Or how many times do you have to talk bad of someone behind their back to be a backstabber? How many times do you have to have to use the Lord's name in vain in order to be a blasphemer? Only once. Only once. And only once.

Ok, you might think that's pretty heavy. And taking it pretty far. But is that not the problem? We don't stop and think how God looks upon our sinfulness. Because He treats it very seriously.  God says in Romans 6v23 that 'the wages of sin is death.' That is the penalty. Because God cannot look upon sin, he cannot tolerate it, and he certainly cannot allow it in His presence. Every lie I have told (which have been countless), every time I have talked about someone behind their back (yes, loads) and every time I have ridiculed, disrespected and rebelled against God has been enough to condemn me to an eternity seperated from Him.

This is is the moment where I close my eyes and thank God that He had a plan. He had a way out. God sent Jesus. God is just and so when He says the penalty for sin is death, He means it. This doesn't just mean a physical death, it is a spiritual death, it is seperation from God when you die. God loved me (and you) so much that He was willing to send a substitute to take our place so we could be right with Him again. Jesus is the sacrifice. I don't know about you, but there are very few people I would be willing to die for. If I was asked to die for my husband who is the love of my life, then yeah, I probably would. If I was asked to die for my darling baby nephew who lights up my life, or my sister who is my best friend, then yeah, ok...If I was asked to die for someone who had repeatedly wronged me and persecuted me, then I don't think it wouldn't even be up for debate, I would just refuse.

'But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.' (Romans 5v8) Can you fully comprehend how much God loves you? Despite our complete disregard and rebellion against Him? Can you look at the cross and see the love in Christ's sacrifice? It was through His death that the penalty was paid. A preacher once described it like this- if you had a £10billion debt to pay and someone came along and offered to pay it in full, why wouldn't you let him pay it? What gratitude would you feel? Would that not change your life?

There is no amount of good works you can do, no amount of religious practices you can tick off your list that will give you right standing with God. It is so much simpler than that. All God requires of you is to accept His gift to you and allow it to transform you.  ^'For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God' (Ephesians 2v8) This is why I say I have grace, because I have accepted this free gift and my life has never been the same.

More than giving you right-standing before God, and an eternity in Heaven, God also wants to give you a life free from the bondage and penalty of sin. Although I still sin (all the time, because I'm human) God now looks upon me as righteous and forgiven because I have trusted in Jesus. What Grace! What utterly mind-blowing truely undeserved love.

If you are reading this and you haven't accepted Jesus, then I plead with you to search your heart this Easter. I challenge you to go deeper this Easter. Because eternity is on the line. God can show you a love like no other and give you a purpose that is everlasting. What do you have to lose? Apart from your eternity.

If you were the only person in the history of mankind that sinned, the only person who ever rebelled against God, he still would have sacrificed Jesus and have him bleed to death on a cross to save your soul. That is how much your mighty, powerful, holy creator God loves you.

Take a couple of minutes to watch this video (coz that's how long it lasts!) and please get in touch if you know you need to go deeper this Easter.

 http://youtu.be/dWgB8r_xhA0

A big noggin and a painful problem.

Well, today is nearly done and my eyes are that kind of way when they are dried in your sockets. However, I feel that I need to write because I have so many thoughts swirling about in my noggin'. For any people that know me well, they will know (or notice) that I have an abnormally large head. This can be pretty problematic for buying fashionable head-gear which is why I don't wear hats. I think it also contributes to the fact I have a pretty huge amount of thoughts dancing around my head.

And now-in an attempt to distract you from thinking about my large head- I think I'd find it helpful to put some of my thoughts to paper (or to screen since it's an online blog.) I was at neurology today for a consultation. It went ok- apart from the fact I received multiple pin pricks to my face and body to test if I could feel them...and in most places, I certainly could :(  Anyway, he is sending me for an MRI scan and a nerve conduction test. These will ultimately show if the problem with my pain lies in with my brain/nerves/spine. The neurologist thinks it will come back clear, and I'm pretty confident they will too, but I am pleased to be getting these tests done as it will at least rule out that area.

I have received a diagnosis from rhumatology of joint hypermobility syndrome. This means I have an abnormality with the collagen in my body, causing my connective tissues to be extremely loose. It can also affect connective tissues in other areas like your lungs and bowels. As a result, the other areas of my body have to work harder to maintain stability and strength. As you can imagine, this can cause a great deal of pain and exhaustion. I accept this diagnosis but since very little is known about this condition, I'm not really getting the amount of support or information I need.

I was referred to neurology a while back and thought I would still go because there is no harm in ruling other things out. I also have wee niggly feelings now and again that there could be something in addition to my hypermobility and so would like for my mind to be put at ease. I often convince myself that I am just a hypocondriac or foolish (and maybe I am), but then again, I feel like I owe it to myself to search out every possible avenue and leave no stone uncovered.

I have tried to reseach hypermobility syndrome on the internet since I have received very little info from medical professionals. This presents a problem because you have to be very discerning of validity of the material you read. Most articles and sites I have came across acknowledge that a major symptom of the syndrome is pain. But I have yet to find a site that would describe pain similar to my own. Most sites seem to imply that you can still lead a relatively normal life, work, dance, carry, deliver and raise children and exercise.

Either I'm a total woose, or the pain I experience is different to most experiences. I would probably argue the latter. I have been unable to work since last summer and my gentle physio exercises leave me in a lot of pain unlike the runners, dancers and athletes in these case studies who can still maintain an active lifestyle.

This condition has changed me an awful lot. And I am still struggling to get to grips with it, understand it, and gain control of it. I have the joy and privilege to hand this burden to God every day, and He is faithful in His provision. But of course, I desperately want, and need a way of intervention with the daily pain too. I believe God gives us doctors to help us with these things and I see nothing wrong with having hope that doctors will give me a solution to my physical struggle.

I also believe that God can remove this completely if He chooses- and I am most certainly believing and praying for that too. But one thing God does in times like these which no doctor can do, is heal and transform my heart and my soul. I often return home from appointments restless, and utterly deflated as it often provides no answers or hope of treatment. Doctors tell us there is nothing they can do and we are left to our own thoughts at home. But God is there when I get home and can still my restless heart. God can see every pang of anxiety, and speak into every area of doubt.

We often forget the devastating toll a chronic illness can have on people emotionally as well as physically. I'm trusting God will use the doctors to deal with the physical illness. And God can take care of my heart.

Me on the left...this was the last time I wore a hat before my head expanded due to being crammed with thoughts...

We're on the move.

Many people know that I go to church. And not just any church- I go to Harvest Bible Chapel Glasgow. If you don't know this about me then you have probably been living under a rock. I hope that from the way I talk about my church you will know that it is unlike others- I was certainly intrigued upon my first visit.

Many churches boast of a fellowship that goes back hundreds of years. A history of serving their community and seeing countless marriages, baptisms and transformed lives entering and leaving through their doors. Most churches have spectacular buildings displaying amazing architecture and stained-glass windows. I sometimes wonder what would happen to those churches if the bricks and mortar were taken from them? Because that's what is happening to us.

Harvest is only a baby in comparison to these grandfather churches. It was planted only two and a half years ago by a handful of people led by a brave pastor and it has grown into a tender shoot. God has been so gracious in cultivating it and has done remarkable things in this short space of time. Harvest has found its home in the Graham Hills building at Strathclyde Uni in the centre of Glasgow. It has no stained glass windows, pews, or stunning arches. It doesn't even have a pulpit (as if Pastor Scott would use it anyway...) Nevertheless, this building has served us well as our wee home. But we are losing the lease in 4 weeks.

Jonny and I had a time of prayer last night for the building situation. We quickly found ourselves just giving thanks for our church and for everything that God has done through it. Harvest has taught Jonny and I a great deal and has supported us through our marriage nearly two years ago, the life threatening episode with my sister, and my recent decline in health. They have allowed us to use and nurture our gifts and have supported us through difficult times. We have been shown love in so many practical ways and have made so many close friends. Harvest has taught me about serving, giving, loving and humility and most of all, taught me about what it means to walk close to God.

All these things have not been dependant on the building. This is because the church isn't a building, it is the people. And so no matter where we end up we will still be the church. The other thing I love about my church is that we love a challenge. This is usually seen at Party with the Pastor during the games- but it is mostly because we want to fully rely on God's grace and marvel at His works. And so we are actually quite excited about what God is going to do in this, knowing that He is able to do more than we could ever ask or hope.

Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.

Hebrews 10v23-25.


Even though we will be moving, you should still visit us wherever we are!

www.vimeo.com/27713001
This is my church.

This is what I know.

I'm sitting here tonight after a morning of hydrotherapy (physio in a swimming pool.) I was only in for about half an hour doing things like walking from one side of the pool to the other and performing wee squats etc. Extremely basic, and extremely slow. I felt quite good afterwards, I had achieved a great deal and felt quite energised. But I think I can now honestly say I am dying...

...Ok that is a bit dramatic, but I am certainly hurting. It's not even the achy muscle type that you kind of enjoy because you know it means you're on your way to having a body like Megan Fox (it could still happen!) It's a lot deeper than that and has sucked the energy right out of me. It's the kind of pain which has made me terrified to exercise; although I've always been a gym-o-phobe... However, I will go back next week and persevere with it because I'm hoping that it'll make a difference.

My pain is pretty much constant. For the people who see me on a regular basis, I'll more than likely be feeling sore when I'm with you. Whether it's walking about the shops, or sitting eating cake- although I must stress that it is not the cakes fault I am sore...so there is absolutely no need to withhold cake from me. Thankyou.

Being in pain all the time is exhausting, and it changes a lot in your life. My ability to do the things I once loved (go long walks, shop for hours, wear high heels), the relationships I have (my ability to lift my nephew and get on the floor and play with him) and my job too. I don't know what to expect with the future now and to be honest, I find that totally poo.

So someone like me who professes to have a very profound faith in God can cause onlookers to ask where God fits in with it all. Has He forgotten me or stopped caring about the fact that I feel sore today? Well, I read a tremendous quote in a book a month or two ago and I am constantly calling it to mind.

‎Are you going to judge God by the circumstances you don't understand or judge the circumstances in the light of the character of God?

Yeah...Told you it was tremendous...and if you just skimmed that quote then go back and read it again! How often do we judge God according to our circumstances? When everything is great, God is great. When everything seems bad, God is bad. We (and I) are so fickle! But God's word says that He is the same yesterday, today, and forever (Hebrews 13v8)

It is time to stop judging things by our circumstances, and living in the light of what we know about God. When things are difficult, it helps to stop thinking about how we feel, and think about what we know.

So here is what I know-

I can cast my anxiety on Him because He cares for me (1 Peter 5v7)

He will never leave me, or forsake me. (Hebrews 13v5)

He gives strength to me and blesses me with peace (29v11)

He is a rock, a fortress and my deliverer (Psalm 18v1)

His way is perfect and His word is flawless (Psalm 18v30)

He remains faithful even when I don't, because He can't break His promise (2 Timothy 2v13)

His grace is sufficient for me and His power is made perfect in my weakness (2 Corinthians 12v9)

He will meet all my needs (Phillipians 4v19)

God is good. And He cares for me. (Nahum 1v7)

All of these promises are applicable for you if you trust in Him. God can and wants to give you all these promises. If you don't know about God and spend all your time going through life based on how you feel, maybe you could try looking into what it means living a life guided lovingly by God.

Even if I hardly know you, we can do it together :)

Exhibit A- Cupcakes which are perfectly harmless for sore bodies.

How good it is to be loved by you...

My thoughts today have been provoked by an article in the Sun newspaper. The article was about a couple of former Oxford University research associates who argued that the right to kill newborn children should be legalised. There isn't really much point in me elaborating on their claims as there is nothing that could have possibly helped them justify it. I often wonder why seemingly intelligent individuals come out with stuff like this. You sometimes wonder if they desire to go against all human morality in order to come across as being enlightened to some sort of notion that we are not smart enough to realise. Why is it so uncool to follow our conscience these days (and unltimately, God) and constantly try and second guess what our instinct and knowledge of right and wrong would tell us?  

The part that stung me most about this article was the fact that they used disability as the example for slaughtering a child. This is a complete bone of contention with me when they use disabled children to justify things like abortion and now this. I am not claiming having a disabled child is easy and without its burdens and heartache- believe me, I have seen every facet of difficulty you could come up against. But since when does a disabled child equate to second best? And since when does it mean they do not deserve basic human rights? And since when does it mean they are not a completely precious creation, deserving of love and life? The article states that they should be allowed to kill a child if they put an 'unbearable burden' on their family or society. What?? How can you predict how much of a burden a child can be when they are minutes old? And yes, families have expressed in the past that having a disabled child can be a burden, but never unbearable. On the contrary the love these parents display can only be described as unconditional.

I always find this kind of thing hard to get my head around since children like these have been responsible for so many blessings I have received in my life. I also get very angry at this kind of thing because never once in my 8 years of working with disabled children have I came across one who is judgemental, or prejudiced, or pushes me aside because I have red hair, a sizeable nose or because I'm not a size 8. (Don't get me wrong, they have brushed me aside if the games I want them to play are mince. lol) These children can still make you laugh, make you feel loved and special and can still make you tilt your head to the side and sigh because they are so damn cute.

But this is the point, why is it about what these children can do for us? How they make us feel? How they will contribute to the family? Or how good looking or easy they will make our lives? The newpaper article stated that the academics (loose term) claimed that "the interests of actual people over-ride the interest of merely potential people. Since non-persons have no moral rights to life, there are no reasons for banning after-birth abortions". (The Sun, 1/3/12)

What makes us so important that we can decide the mortality of a child? Having a child, knowing a child or working with a child is about what we can do for them, not the other way around. Isn't this the complete reflection of the way God is with us? Our relationship with God isn't about how great we are or the Great things we can do. Our salvation hangs on the fact because we weren't, Christ died for us. I was completely dead in my trespasses and useless and sinful, yet God took me as His. What Grace! How can we reject any child when they don't deserve it, when God doesn't reject us when we completely deserve it?

How can we treat a human life as disposable and completely meaningless when the creator of the universe finds little old me (and you) so completely precious. Did you know when God First loved you? Before the universe was made. Did you know who was with you and formed you and loved you when you were a seemingly 'meaningless' ball of cells in your mothers womb? Your heavenly father.

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
      and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
  Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
      Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
      as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
  You saw me before I was born.
      Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
   Every moment was laid out
      before a single day had passed.

  How precious are your thoughts about me, O God.
      They cannot be numbered!
  I can’t even count them;
      they outnumber the grains of sand!
   And when I wake up,
      you are still with me...

Psalm 139v13-18

Plan B

Just sitting reflecting on the visit I have just had from my boss. She came over to catch up with how I was getting on and review how things were looking with my job.

I have worked for the same organisation since I left school. It is an organisation that works with children and adults with complex support needs. I started out as a support worker, which involved caring for children in a daycare and respite context. I then developed an interest in the way these children played and became a playworker whilst studying play at Uni. The experiences and times I have shared with the children I have worked with have been truely unique and incredibly special.

I remember all the kids I have worked with and all of them are precious to me. They have taught me amazing things and brightened up many gloomy days. I have developed many close relationships with the families over the years and in some instances been treated like family. I am well acquainted with many grandparents, aunts, uncles and family friends as well as the parents.

When I think about the work I do, I think about sunny afternoons playing in back gardens and trampolines, rejoicing and celebrating with parents at little breakthroughs and quiet moments cradling children in my arms. It really is a sweet and wonderful job to do and I really do miss it.

Things are quite different now and at the moment, the prospect of returning to work seems very distant indeed. My job is highly practical and when I'm not rolling about on the floor with an autistic child, I am cradling a deafblind child on my knee carrying out a tactile activity. This kind of work is pretty much impossible for me to do now- and this is my dilemma.

My work have been amazing at holding my job for me with the hope that I can return- but time is running out. It was basically confirmed today by my boss that they may have to dismiss me due to ill health if I don't show any signs of improvement in the next few months. I can understand and appreciate that it is only fair, and my work have been extremely accommodating up until now, but it is a bit of a blow.

It has forced me to consider alternatives- but at the moment I'm struggling to find any! I am good with kids. And I love kids. Working with children is pretty much all I've ever done, and all I have ever wanted to do. I never thought I would have to reconsider it.

So what can I do? Should I look into different courses and study? Or should I look for a different job? Or should I become a housewife and scrape by with the bills? lol. All of the above are viable options, but none are presenting themselves as the obvious option.

I would say that I'm good with a lot of things, but a master of none. And so there is no obvious career route I would say I could go down. And I therefore propose this- If you feel there is something you think I could pursue (it has to be a viable option mind!) please submit your suggestions. Please note that I am not a brave or particularly ambitious person and I am not very good at business-type things. lol. (and if that doesn't rule out everything, please let me know!)

I have not yet resigned myself to the fact that I will not be able to work with children again, but I feel it is time to establish a plan B (and possibly C and D depending on how many ideas I get!) And if you are the praying type, (and if you're not you should be) I would appreciate prayers too of course.

Me in play mode-it is a very serious business you know...

How to be prepared for a dinosaur attack

Today I have been thinking about bags. Not the ghastly ones that hang under your eyes, but the ones that carry our essential possessions. I have always been more of a bag girl that a shoe girl. Although I often pause in appreciation of a red-soled Louboutin, I could never justify paying for them. However, I have a long list of justifications splurging on a handbag: A handbag will see the light of day more than a skyscraper heel, it is actually functional and carries stuff for you, and it doesn't give you blisters.

I have appreciation for all species of bag, and all would be welcome in my wardrobe. I am partial to a good sized tote. Maybe something like the Mulberry Daria Hobo bag. Big enough for all my trinkets and leather as soft as butter.

I also wonder what people carry in their bag. Men seem to regard it as a mystery and a complete no-no to rummage in a womans bag-I don't know if they maybe think they would get sucked in an drown in a pile of dried out lipglosses and receipts...But I can sometimes look upon it as a bit of a mystery with certain women and their bags too- none more so that the rucksack lady.

I was sitting in the homeopathic hospital yesterday and a rucksack lady sat down across from me in the waiting room. My heart sank a little as I knew that I would then spend the rest of my time in there fighting sheer perplexion and urges to rip open the bag and survey the contents. It was a big rucksack and my mind started racing, wondering with what things she had with her to cause her to have a bag so uneccessarily large.

My bag usually consists of the following- my purse (for emergencies and impulse buys), a bombay mix of pain killers (for gammy legs), tissues (in case someone kicks my shin and I need to cry, or I see something really cute like a micro pig causing me to well up), a pen (just because it is a female requirement) and my phone (for emergencies, correspondence with friends and to fiddle with when I am distracted with rucksack ladies).

I think the contents of my bag are pretty appropriate for every eventuality. So it makes me nervous to look at a woman with a rucksack. Does she know something I don't? Is she prepared for a certain circumstance that I'm not? For example, if there was a giant earthquake and a dinosaur started tearing through the westend where I was currently situated, what would I do? Well, I would go to the nearest vending machine for food and water supplies using my purse, take some pain killers for inevetable injuries, use tissues to mop up my dusty face, and take a picture of the dinosaur with my phone to show Jonny when I get home.

Don't get me wrong, I do believe that rucksacks are appropriate for certain occasions- Like hillwalking. You need maps, spare socks, food, torches, blah blah blah. Do women really need that when they are out and about the town? Surely they'll go home in a few hours so they wont need a tent? I do have a couple of friends that use rucksacks, but I have always been a bit shy about asking them about the contents as there seems to be an extra aura of mystery surrounding rucksacks than you would get with regular bags.

I also see men with rucksacks which to a certain extent concerns me more. Most men I know are like my husband who carries a wallet and a phone in his pocket. Do these rucksack men and women look upon us 'light loaders' as foolish? unprepared? Sometimes I sit and despair about my lack of knowledge of rucksacks...

For those who have been sucked into my fascination with rucksacks, I am please to tell you that the rucksack lady at the hospital did indeed open her rucksack and proceeded to lift something out...

It was a banana.

This is my hypothetical illustration. Notice how the rucksack lady has a fort and I only have a Mars Bar. Bums.