The Christmas masterplan

I haven't felt very 'Christmassy' this year. I've decked my tree, wrapped all my presents and made more Christmas cakes than I can count! I thought it was these kind of things that filled you with the Christmas spirit? The only times I have felt a warmth in my heart and butterflies in my tummy this Christmas has been in moments I never would have expected...even for me.

I was brought up on Nativities, carol services, and Bible stories describing what happened at Christmas. I have loved God my whole life and gave my life to Jesus when I was a teenager. I have also been swept up in the side of Christmas that is growing more and more popular where Christmas means time off work with family and presents. Despite my best efforts however, I have never felt the complete impact of the Christmas story until now. It hasn't been a bolt out of the blue as I know the story forwards and backwards, inside and out. And it hasn't been something I promised to really dwell on this year. It has just been something God has been revealing to me in a beautiful gentle way over the past weeks and months. I know why Jesus came as a baby...but to I really understand just what this meant?! I thought I would share a few wee things I have realised and learned about God.

God keeps his promises. At church this Sunday we learned about Jesus' genealogy (which can be found in Matthew chapter 1) which can be traced all the way back to Abraham. He story is well known for a few things but one of the stories most people recall is that God promised Abraham he would have a baby. After many many (many) years, the baby was born. They waited a long time for this promise and for a while it probably seemed like God had forgotten, but this is just one example of how God always keeps His promises.

Did you know that you can read about God promising Jesus back in the time of Adam and Eve? When they sinned, God declared that He would send a saviour (Genesis 3v15) to repair the broken relationship with God and man. This assures me that God has a plan. God always has a plan, and before the dawn of time, He had a plan. He had a plan to save mankind and He has a plan for my life. God is never suprised, never caught out, never stumped at what to do next. Even right back and Genesis when sin first entered the world, He was right there with mercy. He didn't need a few days, months or years to figure out what to do with the mess, and despite the sacrifice He knew He would have to make- he gave it so freely.

I have some friends who have recently had babies. They are the most beautiful wee things and everytime I take the sweet little bundle in my arms I am constantly reminded of how innocent and vulnerable they are. Completely dependent on their parents for love and care. It has really helped me when thinking about Jesus and the tiny baby He once was. I am then struck by the fact that He wasn't always that way, and then I get thinking about where He was before He came to earth.

God's love cannot be fathomed. Jesus was in Heaven and being glorified within the Trinity. He was in the place of perfection. And He was perfection. Why should God have even cared about us? We made the mess, we should live in it. We blew it. We were in a state of utter hopelesness, but why would God want to come all the way down to this rotten world and help us? For me, there isn't much competiton between endless glory, light and perfection and a dark sinful world where the people would ultimately reject, ridicule and kill you. But for the tiny minority that would accept Him, He came. Phillipians 2v6-8 says 'Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.' He emptied Himself, and left His throne in Heaven for me.

For me Jesus in that manger isn't just a cute story. It is the biggest sacrifice in the history of time. This was it. God's masterplan, the promise given hundreds of years ago was finally given. God now had to stand and watch Jesus grow and lead a perfect life. He had to watch Him as He pleaded with people to accept the gift that God was giving them. He watched as He gave sight to the blind, healed the sick and saved the sinners. And He had to watch His broken body hanging from a cross being ridiculed and mocked. Such is His love.

Who has believed what he has heard from us?
And to whom has the arm of the Lord been revealed?
² For he grew up before him like a young plant,
and like a root out of dry ground;
he had no form or majesty that we should look at him,
and no beauty that we should desire him.
³ He was despised and rejected by men;
a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief;
and as one from whom men hide their faces
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

⁴ Surely he has borne our griefs
and carried our sorrows;
yet we esteemed him stricken,
smitten by God, and afflicted.
⁵ But he was pierced for our transgressions;
he was crushed for our iniquities;
upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,
and with his wounds we are healed.
⁶ All we like sheep have gone astray;
we have turned—every one—to his own way;
and the Lord has laid on him
the iniquity of us all.

 

Isaiah 53v1-6

absent from the body=present with the Lord

Just heard the news of little Caden Beggan; a brave wee boy who fought against meningococcal septicaemia. His story swept through social media and thousands of us anticipated his fathers daily posts telling us of his perilous wee journey. I don't know the family personally, but they live a few streets from me and Caden attended the primary school up my road. It was so hard to read about Caden's broken little body and how this disease robbed him and his family of so much. But the most upsetting thing to me personally was the fact that this wasn't a story that was new to me.

My work with children with complex needs brought me into contact with many families in the same situation. The conditions that attacked their children were all very different, but the sorrow and emotional rollercoaster they had to endure were pretty much identical. I think back to the many times when I walked through the doors at Yorkhill or to the home of a family and was met with sobbing parents who had just lost their child. There is nothing that can compare to the horror.

I have realised that it didn't matter how young they were, the amount they contributed to society or how developed their character was, the loss of a child leaves a gaping hole that no one can comprehend. Nothing has equated to the grief I have felt at the loss of a child, and as someone who doesn't even have children of my own, I cannot comprehend how far reaching the sorrow is for the family and especially for the parents who have brought them into the world and raised them.
 
As I have joined the world in looking on as Caden fought for his life, I was always thinking about the many other families in our community who are going through the exact same struggle. Caden was in Yorkhill with countless other children with their lives in the balance. Caden's family did a geat job in raising awareness and lifting people out of their own self absorbed bubbles. I just hope that Cadens little legacy will cause us to be more mindful of all the other families who are going through the same circumstances without the well wishes of thousands...I'm sure it's what the Beggans would hope to achieve through their honest and candid deocumenting of Caden's fight.

One thing that we can have hope and rejoice in is that Caden is not sleeping, or even resting. He is whole, and in glory with his Heavenly Father along with the other precious children I have loved and lost. In God's mercy, He has taken Caden and restored him to Himself in a body that is so complete and pure and He is in a place that supercedes anything on this broken and fallen earth. Caden's parents will also see him again because they have found salvation in Jesus and nothing can take that from them. It is just a pity that they will have to wait a while longer. But for those who hope in God can look forward to the day when 'He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.' Revelation 21v4.

 

There's a peace I've come to know though my heart and flesh may fail. There's an anchor for my soul, I can say it is well.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9yvfso4Q8xg

Life on life and playing in between.

As I sat in Business Gateway a couple of weeks ago, I paused and actually realised what I was doing. I've been asked the usual question before; 'What would be your dream job?' To which I would explain having my own wee business doing something creative would be a lovely way to spend my career. It is never something I ever felt brave enough to do though  since I have zero comprehension of how to run a business.

As I was speaking to the pleasant business advisor, I revealed that I have more or less stumbled upon this venture due to the changes of my health meaning I couldn't do my old job. He asked what I used to do and I began to explain. He remarked that I looked as if I was about to cry- and he was right. I wasn't sure if I was hurting or just reflecting fondly...Whatever it was, I told him that I didn't really want to talk about it more than I had to.
It has been about a year since I was a playworker for children with complex needs and I haven't really thought about it too much, partly because I want to move forward and partly because it just makes me too sad.

I remember my first visit to a family home which soon became a house I visited three times a week. The family had two disabled children fighting the same terminal disease.  The house was over run with nurses and home helps. The situation was very extreme, but a very real picture of what life can be like with a disabled child. I was assigned to work with the youngest who was only two at the time. I remember staring at her wondering how on earth I could play with her...She couldn't open her eyes, communicate, move or even breathe on her own and I couldn't move her too much because her bones were too brittle due to osteoporosis. I was stumped. I often sat at my desk with my head in my hands thinking of ideas and I thankfully had some very talented and wise colleagues who offered advice and encouragement. I soon developed a beautiful routine of the hungry caterpillar story, making it come to life each time through sensory objects.We repeated it for weeks on end. I would climb on the bed and lie close to her and watch for any signs of communication. Her family, nurses and anyone else in the house would rejoice when she closed her lips as this meant she was responding. It was all she gave us but it meant so much.

I remember when she passed away. Her dad phoned me in the early morning before I even left for work. I spent the weekend with the family and tried to support them with their grief; and sought to glean some support for mine. She was buried with the little caterpillar we made from eggboxes and I remember feeling so conflicted between maintaining a certain level of professionalism and being utterly devastated.

I remember every child I've worked with. Their siblings names, their parents names, grandparents, family friends, even wee Margaret/ Jan/ Ina etc who lived next door. Each child has been so precious to me and I treasure all their wee ways. I am thankful that despite the often difficult circumstances I witnessed, my job was far from depressing. The fact I was accepted into so many family homes was something I never took for granted. There were some places where I turned up, spent time with the kid doing lovely things and leave again, but there were also some families who I really got to know and love. I just hope they know just how much I genuinely cared and the tremendous affection I had for their wee ones.

Nothing would compare to having a visually impared child track an object with their eyes, a child with no communication utter their first sound or give a sign, or have an autistic child look at me in the eye. My greatest priviledge however was showing God's love to these kids. There were some families which allowed me to spend some still quiet moments before my play sessions with them in prayer. We would pray for fun, our friendship and healing. Towards the end of my time with my work the families actually prayed for my healing too. That was truely humbling.

At Harvest we always talk about doing life on life with one another and I really believe that's what worked best in my job. The children didn't care about my status or what my job was, they just wanted to play with me. The parents wanted to know about me and my life and it was this two-way relationship that made it real. I cried when they cried, shared in their wee victories and flicked through holiday photos. Parents don't just want a professional giving them solutions, they want someone who genuinely cares about their children.

I wasn't the best playworker in the world. I could be disorganised, forgetful and my time keeping was skills were often questionable. I am not irreplaceable and all the families will no doubt survive without me! But I have struggled with knowing what God was doing by taking this away from me. But one thing I do know is that I can trust Him. I am called to glorify God and live my life for Him above all else and in return, He is teaching me amazing things along the way.

Although I miss my old job, I am thankful I have been blessed with something I enjoy just as much. I haven't had to resort to some rubbish job that I hate; I have the opportunity to be creative which is a huge part of who I am. This is one of the reasons I can say that God is good! God has sustained me through much and the Bible says that He gives and takes away. I have full assurance and peace in my heart of God's good and perfect plan. Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life.

It's looking like a beautiful day.

It was two years ago today that I became a married woman. I think about my wedding day a lot and the past few days leading up to my anniversary has caused me to recall vivid memories of what I was doing in the build up to my special day. In some respects, I would like that part of my life to remain frozen so I could relive it again and again, but if that happened then I would be able to experience all the joys that came with being a wife afterwards.

Wedding planning commenced the day after I got engaged (only because the shops were not open that night to buy all my wedding magazines). I spent hours in shops, magazines and the internet sourcing the perfect touches for my perfect day. I look back fondly at the hours I spent sitting on the livingroom floor sewing pearls onto strands of lace, creating my wooden love heart favours and cutting out pictures for my scrapbook. I loved every minute of planning my wedding as it was a time I could be creative and anticipate the day I would marry my lovely Jonny.

The wedding day brought feelings that I had never felt before. I had an overwhelming happiness inside me and a peace about the step I was taking. I felt so grateful looking round at all the people who were there to support us, and most of all, I was excited about the future. I remember how heavy my dress was with the abundance of lace and pearls, I remember how I couldn't stop crying at the ceremony although I felt utterly relaxed. I remember my bridesmaid Gill running and getting me a snack pack of grapes after the service and how I pinched my sisters bum during the pictures. I remember the brass band which played whilst our guest sipped pink champagne in the garden. I remember how proud I was with my normally shy husband as he spoke so eloquently during his speech and I remember how my dancefloor was packed to the point of overflowing the entire night thanks to our nine-piece funk band. I also remember how the drummer's wife went into labour and he ran off without a backwards glance. Luckily one of the singers stepped in and it didn't hinder the heaving dancefloor.

My wedding day (like everyone else's) flew by all too quickly. But the wedding day is just the beginning. I had plenty anxieties about married life (not about Jonny!) I wondered if I would be able to be the wife Jonny needed, and the wife that God desired for me to be. I wondered how we would cope with being a married couple, living together and sharing everything. I would say that our marriage has certainly been thrown into the deep end in the past two years. A couple of months after the wedding, we celebrated the birth of our precious nephew Charlie, which was quickly overshadowed by nearly losing my sister to heart failure. We lost Jonny's Baba that Christmas who was an incredible woman and a huge part of his life. We were then faced with the decline of my health and eventual loss of my job. All of these things have affected us greatly and could have potentially caused our relationship to become vulnerable during our first couple years of marriage. But God has graciously sustained us, and even more; He has helped us grow even closer.

One of the important things I have learned about marriage is that you have to be selfless. My relationship with Jonny works best when we are not selfish. We try to serve one another in love and be willing to put our own needs second. This is something that Jonny has excelled in and is a real evidence of Gods grace in his life. My husband has stepped up to the mark time and time again to help me, look after me and protect me often to the expense of his own interests. I appreciate the ways he puts me first and has cared for me especially through my illness. He is a patient and kind man and I know that God has grown these fruits within him as we have went through our marriage. God has proved his faithfulness to us over and over and has shown us that being in a Godly marriage will bring the abundance of blessings. Jonny and I believe that God created marriage and that we are to honour Him in it, this in turn has shown us that God's plan and desire for marriage is perfect.

I love being married to Jonny. I am thankful for the way he fulfils his responsibilities towards God, how he continually shows his love and support to me and encourages me with the Bible and prayer. He is my best friend and I celebrate him today.

Visual Noise

Just sitting watching a programme on channel 4 called 'The hoarder next door'. I find myself fidgeting and feeling stressed just by watching it. There have been quite a few programmes lately about hoarders and I find myself quite fascinated by it. This is probably because I am probably near the opposite end of the spectrum. A lot of people have commented on my tidy wee house and how I see my housework as such a great priority. Even since falling ill, I have tried my hardest to keep my house clean and uniform. Jonny regularly has to ask me where things are because he can only sit something down for a short time before I move it.

I watch in utter amazement and moderate horror as the people in these programmes show us around their house. Their rooms are packed and every surface is covered. One poor wee woman sits in the midst of her hoard and sobs at the pretty hopless situation she finds herself in. I feel like sobbing with her as I wouldn't even know where to start. I also find myself sitting in my own wee livingroom glancing every few minutes at a pen and a road map that are sitting on my sideboard and feel a bit resltess...I promptly tell myself to get a grip and gain a bit of perspective by returning to the programme.

What's more, I have become very aware of clutter and mess through my work with visually impaired children. Constantly being aware of keeping spaces clear so the children can focus on what needs to be seen has caused me to be annoyingly particular at home too. A therapist guy comes in and shuffles around the womans house and describes it as visual noise. He hits the nail on the head. I feel panicky looking at it and think my visual eardrums are about to burst. And yet, the dear wee woman is weeping as someone tries to throw out a duster as they help her clean. I wonder how on earth she can get so emotional over such an insignificant thing...but we all do it.

We all have things that we convince ourselves we need. Maybe not always physical things, but people, or places, or events etc. I may have a tidy house, but I will clutter my life with other things. For me it was mainly being places and involving myself in things. I hated (and still hate) missing out on things. Before I fell ill, I was out every night of the week, hanging out with friends, invovled in church, exercise classes, shopping or whatever else. When I fell ill, I found it very hard to say no. I felt like the wee lady sobbing over the duster, thinking the world would end if I didn't go to that place or be involved in this thing.

It caused me to re-think what I fill my life with, what is important, and what I really can't live without. I found that the more I cluttered my life, the less time I spent with God. I need to be careful what I fill my life and mind with. Even if I fill my life with hundreds of friends, a packed diary and a house full of pretty things, it is empty without God. Don't get me wrong, it is good to have friends (and I love you all) and be involved in various things, but only God can make me whole and complete.

I don't know what you fill your life with, but ask yourself if you are filling it with the right things. You will not be able to take your precious posessions, your success, even your precious people with you when you die. It is important to fill your life with something eternal and everlasting. God brings peace, fufilment and clarity.




My hallway. No visual noise here! lol

Time to go deeper...

It is the common view that man is inherently good. I would probably be inclined to think otherwise. People also share the common view that if they are a good person they will go to heaven when they die. This isn't true either. People are sinful. The Bible says that 'The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is?' (Jeremiah 17v9). Does this sound like this kind of heart would belong to someone that would get into Heaven?

God cannot allow sin or sinful people into Heaven as it is where He dwells and it is therefore holy. No amount of good you do will blot out the wickedness that dwells in your heart... So you might think that wicked is a strong word-it couldn't possibly be used to describe someone like you (or me). And to our human way of thinking, you are probably right...but isn't what God thinks of the matter far more important? And true?

How many lies do you have to tell to be a liar? Or how many times do you have to talk bad of someone behind their back to be a backstabber? How many times do you have to have to use the Lord's name in vain in order to be a blasphemer? Only once. Only once. And only once.

Ok, you might think that's pretty heavy. And taking it pretty far. But is that not the problem? We don't stop and think how God looks upon our sinfulness. Because He treats it very seriously.  God says in Romans 6v23 that 'the wages of sin is death.' That is the penalty. Because God cannot look upon sin, he cannot tolerate it, and he certainly cannot allow it in His presence. Every lie I have told (which have been countless), every time I have talked about someone behind their back (yes, loads) and every time I have ridiculed, disrespected and rebelled against God has been enough to condemn me to an eternity seperated from Him.

This is is the moment where I close my eyes and thank God that He had a plan. He had a way out. God sent Jesus. God is just and so when He says the penalty for sin is death, He means it. This doesn't just mean a physical death, it is a spiritual death, it is seperation from God when you die. God loved me (and you) so much that He was willing to send a substitute to take our place so we could be right with Him again. Jesus is the sacrifice. I don't know about you, but there are very few people I would be willing to die for. If I was asked to die for my husband who is the love of my life, then yeah, I probably would. If I was asked to die for my darling baby nephew who lights up my life, or my sister who is my best friend, then yeah, ok...If I was asked to die for someone who had repeatedly wronged me and persecuted me, then I don't think it wouldn't even be up for debate, I would just refuse.

'But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.' (Romans 5v8) Can you fully comprehend how much God loves you? Despite our complete disregard and rebellion against Him? Can you look at the cross and see the love in Christ's sacrifice? It was through His death that the penalty was paid. A preacher once described it like this- if you had a £10billion debt to pay and someone came along and offered to pay it in full, why wouldn't you let him pay it? What gratitude would you feel? Would that not change your life?

There is no amount of good works you can do, no amount of religious practices you can tick off your list that will give you right standing with God. It is so much simpler than that. All God requires of you is to accept His gift to you and allow it to transform you.  ^'For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God' (Ephesians 2v8) This is why I say I have grace, because I have accepted this free gift and my life has never been the same.

More than giving you right-standing before God, and an eternity in Heaven, God also wants to give you a life free from the bondage and penalty of sin. Although I still sin (all the time, because I'm human) God now looks upon me as righteous and forgiven because I have trusted in Jesus. What Grace! What utterly mind-blowing truely undeserved love.

If you are reading this and you haven't accepted Jesus, then I plead with you to search your heart this Easter. I challenge you to go deeper this Easter. Because eternity is on the line. God can show you a love like no other and give you a purpose that is everlasting. What do you have to lose? Apart from your eternity.

If you were the only person in the history of mankind that sinned, the only person who ever rebelled against God, he still would have sacrificed Jesus and have him bleed to death on a cross to save your soul. That is how much your mighty, powerful, holy creator God loves you.

Take a couple of minutes to watch this video (coz that's how long it lasts!) and please get in touch if you know you need to go deeper this Easter.

 http://youtu.be/dWgB8r_xhA0

A big noggin and a painful problem.

Well, today is nearly done and my eyes are that kind of way when they are dried in your sockets. However, I feel that I need to write because I have so many thoughts swirling about in my noggin'. For any people that know me well, they will know (or notice) that I have an abnormally large head. This can be pretty problematic for buying fashionable head-gear which is why I don't wear hats. I think it also contributes to the fact I have a pretty huge amount of thoughts dancing around my head.

And now-in an attempt to distract you from thinking about my large head- I think I'd find it helpful to put some of my thoughts to paper (or to screen since it's an online blog.) I was at neurology today for a consultation. It went ok- apart from the fact I received multiple pin pricks to my face and body to test if I could feel them...and in most places, I certainly could :(  Anyway, he is sending me for an MRI scan and a nerve conduction test. These will ultimately show if the problem with my pain lies in with my brain/nerves/spine. The neurologist thinks it will come back clear, and I'm pretty confident they will too, but I am pleased to be getting these tests done as it will at least rule out that area.

I have received a diagnosis from rhumatology of joint hypermobility syndrome. This means I have an abnormality with the collagen in my body, causing my connective tissues to be extremely loose. It can also affect connective tissues in other areas like your lungs and bowels. As a result, the other areas of my body have to work harder to maintain stability and strength. As you can imagine, this can cause a great deal of pain and exhaustion. I accept this diagnosis but since very little is known about this condition, I'm not really getting the amount of support or information I need.

I was referred to neurology a while back and thought I would still go because there is no harm in ruling other things out. I also have wee niggly feelings now and again that there could be something in addition to my hypermobility and so would like for my mind to be put at ease. I often convince myself that I am just a hypocondriac or foolish (and maybe I am), but then again, I feel like I owe it to myself to search out every possible avenue and leave no stone uncovered.

I have tried to reseach hypermobility syndrome on the internet since I have received very little info from medical professionals. This presents a problem because you have to be very discerning of validity of the material you read. Most articles and sites I have came across acknowledge that a major symptom of the syndrome is pain. But I have yet to find a site that would describe pain similar to my own. Most sites seem to imply that you can still lead a relatively normal life, work, dance, carry, deliver and raise children and exercise.

Either I'm a total woose, or the pain I experience is different to most experiences. I would probably argue the latter. I have been unable to work since last summer and my gentle physio exercises leave me in a lot of pain unlike the runners, dancers and athletes in these case studies who can still maintain an active lifestyle.

This condition has changed me an awful lot. And I am still struggling to get to grips with it, understand it, and gain control of it. I have the joy and privilege to hand this burden to God every day, and He is faithful in His provision. But of course, I desperately want, and need a way of intervention with the daily pain too. I believe God gives us doctors to help us with these things and I see nothing wrong with having hope that doctors will give me a solution to my physical struggle.

I also believe that God can remove this completely if He chooses- and I am most certainly believing and praying for that too. But one thing God does in times like these which no doctor can do, is heal and transform my heart and my soul. I often return home from appointments restless, and utterly deflated as it often provides no answers or hope of treatment. Doctors tell us there is nothing they can do and we are left to our own thoughts at home. But God is there when I get home and can still my restless heart. God can see every pang of anxiety, and speak into every area of doubt.

We often forget the devastating toll a chronic illness can have on people emotionally as well as physically. I'm trusting God will use the doctors to deal with the physical illness. And God can take care of my heart.

Me on the left...this was the last time I wore a hat before my head expanded due to being crammed with thoughts...